I realize there are three parts to my conscious being; heart, head and “me”. Head and heart are mostly adversaries and “me” the referee at times. When my heart and head sing the same tune, it’s blissful. Does this ever happen? Oh yeah! Say I have a budget to shop and I mange to play within the budget AND get what I love! Know what I mean? (Yes, yes, typical girly stuff!)
There are times when my heart is like a troublesome kid, kicking and crying (wailing is more like it) for a toy that just isn’t available or affordable. No amount of reasoning or logic is going to help. How about a tight slap? My head takes charge of the situation and does just that. “Me” in me (sorry if that’s a bit convoluted) feels sorry for the heart, but lets the stronger being (of self) prevail for the sake of orderliness.
There are other instances when my head behaves like a strict matron with complete disregard to small, affordable pleas of my heart. Heart makes a sincere attempt to convince my head that it’s ok to be dressed at my best, on a day when a meeting is scheduled with a “cute” customer. If at situations like these, my head gets unduly strong-headed, my cool heart tells my head to take a hike. Life’s got to be fun at times, “me” says!
Most difficult are times when my head and heart are on long, irresolvable war. Both have their arguments and counter-arguments and just not willing to give in. “Me” confused and struggling between a practical head and an emotional heart. Sometimes, this state of my being goes on for days. “Me” is in no superior state to pass a verdict or unable to detach itself and watch the fun from a distance(like in the above instances). Heart and head are fair in their own ways and a resolve is hard to reach. When it gets out of control and ends me in a headache (or heartache), “me” takes charge and shuts one of its two co-beings and puts an end to the conflict to restore peace within.
Am I turning into a schizophrenic?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Travel and life
Just back from a vacation and feeling happy and energized. Exploring new places is invigorating. Getting used to a new lifestyle (albeit temporary), getting around, attitude of locals, eating joints, fitting the best in your itinerary and such, drill my mind. There is always much more to do than I could manage when am visiting a new place. The art of being able to relax and handle the excitement of loads to do all at once is - well, an art.
This yearly event is exciting right from preparation till much after I return. Once I am back, I talk, talk and talk about it as if the person that I am sharing with, is on a journey with me to the place and living my experience. After a few days I don’t talk about it as much, not so much out of my choice but people around me have had an overdose.
For a long time, memories keep coming and going bringing a smile or frown as I mull over my latest sojourn. My struggle with language, a foolish act, that one breathtaking place, the sunset, seashore, steep mountain walk or just a few hours of being myself – these thoughts live with me. As reality and my daily routine take over, these memories seem to tuck themselves away somewhere at the bottom of my memory pile. When I think of a trip that I took in the not-so-recent past, it feels like it was in another life and I was another person.
These getaways teach me deeper meaning of life. Get high with excitement one week and switching back to routine the next - shows the temporariness of most things in life. Ambition, passion, likes, priorities and favorites are constantly changing as I move on in life. I live life every minute yet don’t realize when the process of metamorphosis happens.
During my recent vacation, I visited a friend who has travelled widely. She has put up a world map in her study and stuck tiny round stickers on the places that she has visited. Isn’t it just that - spots? People, places and memories of our lives remain spots – some bright, some fading and a few painful. They are a part of our lives, making us who we are!
Travel is transition but so is life!
This yearly event is exciting right from preparation till much after I return. Once I am back, I talk, talk and talk about it as if the person that I am sharing with, is on a journey with me to the place and living my experience. After a few days I don’t talk about it as much, not so much out of my choice but people around me have had an overdose.
For a long time, memories keep coming and going bringing a smile or frown as I mull over my latest sojourn. My struggle with language, a foolish act, that one breathtaking place, the sunset, seashore, steep mountain walk or just a few hours of being myself – these thoughts live with me. As reality and my daily routine take over, these memories seem to tuck themselves away somewhere at the bottom of my memory pile. When I think of a trip that I took in the not-so-recent past, it feels like it was in another life and I was another person.
These getaways teach me deeper meaning of life. Get high with excitement one week and switching back to routine the next - shows the temporariness of most things in life. Ambition, passion, likes, priorities and favorites are constantly changing as I move on in life. I live life every minute yet don’t realize when the process of metamorphosis happens.
During my recent vacation, I visited a friend who has travelled widely. She has put up a world map in her study and stuck tiny round stickers on the places that she has visited. Isn’t it just that - spots? People, places and memories of our lives remain spots – some bright, some fading and a few painful. They are a part of our lives, making us who we are!
Travel is transition but so is life!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Uncertain certainty
I visited a bereaved family last evening. The girls (my good friends) who lost their mother were devastated. I had no words to console them. Their mother is the most innocent woman, I have met; childlike and naïve.
Hale and hearty, had her usual chat with one of her daughters in the morning over phone and in the night she was gone, just like that. No warning, no preparation or no good-byes. The girls (who are all mothers themselves) looked traumatized. It would take a while before they come to terms with their loss.
Death is the only certainty in our lives. But how does one deal with something that’s so sudden? How does one ever get prepared for this last milestone when the timing is so uncertain? Is this the last lesson that our mothers give us - to be independent, strong and be brave grown ups that we could make do without our parent? I guess that’s the saddest part of growing up.
Let’s love them and more importantly express it, while we still have them.
May the departed soul rest in peace!
Hale and hearty, had her usual chat with one of her daughters in the morning over phone and in the night she was gone, just like that. No warning, no preparation or no good-byes. The girls (who are all mothers themselves) looked traumatized. It would take a while before they come to terms with their loss.
Death is the only certainty in our lives. But how does one deal with something that’s so sudden? How does one ever get prepared for this last milestone when the timing is so uncertain? Is this the last lesson that our mothers give us - to be independent, strong and be brave grown ups that we could make do without our parent? I guess that’s the saddest part of growing up.
Let’s love them and more importantly express it, while we still have them.
May the departed soul rest in peace!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Joy is back
…and how! I fell out of my gymming routine when my daughter moved to a new school where her reporting time is 6.45am. Going to Gym at 7, ensuring a meaningful workout and trying to get to work on time became a bit of a pain. It’s been a year and half since I have reconciled to the fact that morning walk is the only form of exercise that I could offer my body. But then, one doesn’t take things seriously that cost nothing.
While I was convincing myself that I was doing that best I could in the time available, I was missing my personal trainer Joy, who used to beat the hell out of me. I guess personal trainers are a unique species who get paid to get (some real, physical) work done from their employers. To cut the long story short, effective today he has resumed training me that too in my drawing room. Muscle ache is back and some ligaments are threatening to tear but it feels good!
While I was convincing myself that I was doing that best I could in the time available, I was missing my personal trainer Joy, who used to beat the hell out of me. I guess personal trainers are a unique species who get paid to get (some real, physical) work done from their employers. To cut the long story short, effective today he has resumed training me that too in my drawing room. Muscle ache is back and some ligaments are threatening to tear but it feels good!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Happy 2009, et al...
First of all, wish you all a fantastic 2009! In terms of expectation vs. actual, 2009 will turn out to be a great year, is my theory. For this to work, please continue to keep your expectations muted.
Yesterday was Niyoshi's birthday. Can't believe she is stepping into her teens. I am both amused and nervous about this whole phase of life that is just unfolding. Hopefully I would be an empathetic and sensible mother.
Times of India Lakshminarayana Global Musical festival, annual musical concert of Dr.L.subramaniam (violin maestro), was a treat to watch at NCPA. Wife Kavita Krishnamurti and children Ambi and Bindu added soul to the rendition. However, the whole concert reached a high with Leipzig philharmonic orchestra.
I bought a Wii for daughter recently. This is a technological advancement that promotes physical activity. It's extremely addictive and a great stress buster. I played tennis till my shoulders hurt. Am lovin' it!
Yesterday was Niyoshi's birthday. Can't believe she is stepping into her teens. I am both amused and nervous about this whole phase of life that is just unfolding. Hopefully I would be an empathetic and sensible mother.
Times of India Lakshminarayana Global Musical festival, annual musical concert of Dr.L.subramaniam (violin maestro), was a treat to watch at NCPA. Wife Kavita Krishnamurti and children Ambi and Bindu added soul to the rendition. However, the whole concert reached a high with Leipzig philharmonic orchestra.
I bought a Wii for daughter recently. This is a technological advancement that promotes physical activity. It's extremely addictive and a great stress buster. I played tennis till my shoulders hurt. Am lovin' it!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Interminable journey
I went home last weekend to attend a family gathering. I had not informed folks back home and gave them all a surprise. I messaged Suri to pick me up from the airport; but he probably thought I was pulling a fast one and decided to let it pass. Chennai is safe, the cabbies are friendly and (damn) it’s my hometown.
It was wonderful to be with family, my aging father, my chatty sisters, happy brother and all my nieces and nephews. My trip was very short; reached there Saturday late evening and left on Sunday evening. There was a family lunch on Sunday and frankly nobody was expecting me; but I wanted to be there and so I did.
After a sumptuous lunch, lot of gossiping and bit of rest, I said my “byes” to family, five hours ahead of my flights’ scheduled departure. I jumped into a cab and set off to TVK Nagar (North Madras) where I spent the first twenty years of my life. It was wonderful to drive (or be driven) thro’ the roads of my childhood. I figured our (once) family jeweler (Mitalal) has moved into a bigger outlet, tea stall across my primary school still intact there, languishing Pugayilai Nadar (the guy chewing tobacco) shop, who was our grocer, 5-Star hairdressers (men’s saloon) where my dad used to take me for a “bob” cut when I was very little, bus terminus where, as a teenager I met and chatted with friends while waiting for my bus and Pillayar Kovil (Ganesh temple)…. that’s unquestionably my most favorite place.
Varasidhi Vinayagar Shiva Vishnu Aalayam, it used to be known as. I visited that temple every single day, to pray, thank, to crib, brood, reflect, to meet friends and to offer 108 rounds around the temple. My trips to the temple were packed with hopes; hoping for better marks, hoping for fights to end, hoping for a better life, hoping for arrival of my knight in shining armor just as I stepped out of the temple (am not joking). I wish I had met my old buddies that day who could relate to my nostalgia, but unfortunately didn’t. It was time to get back to the real world!
It was wonderful to be with family, my aging father, my chatty sisters, happy brother and all my nieces and nephews. My trip was very short; reached there Saturday late evening and left on Sunday evening. There was a family lunch on Sunday and frankly nobody was expecting me; but I wanted to be there and so I did.
After a sumptuous lunch, lot of gossiping and bit of rest, I said my “byes” to family, five hours ahead of my flights’ scheduled departure. I jumped into a cab and set off to TVK Nagar (North Madras) where I spent the first twenty years of my life. It was wonderful to drive (or be driven) thro’ the roads of my childhood. I figured our (once) family jeweler (Mitalal) has moved into a bigger outlet, tea stall across my primary school still intact there, languishing Pugayilai Nadar (the guy chewing tobacco) shop, who was our grocer, 5-Star hairdressers (men’s saloon) where my dad used to take me for a “bob” cut when I was very little, bus terminus where, as a teenager I met and chatted with friends while waiting for my bus and Pillayar Kovil (Ganesh temple)…. that’s unquestionably my most favorite place.
Varasidhi Vinayagar Shiva Vishnu Aalayam, it used to be known as. I visited that temple every single day, to pray, thank, to crib, brood, reflect, to meet friends and to offer 108 rounds around the temple. My trips to the temple were packed with hopes; hoping for better marks, hoping for fights to end, hoping for a better life, hoping for arrival of my knight in shining armor just as I stepped out of the temple (am not joking). I wish I had met my old buddies that day who could relate to my nostalgia, but unfortunately didn’t. It was time to get back to the real world!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Too little, too late?
A little over a decade ago, when Niyoshi was born and I had no support system around in Mumbai, my mum came to my rescue. She left Chennai, her husband (my dad), all her other kids and grandkids behind so that she could take care of my newborn while I pursued my career. Sun TV and my daughter were her world. I was busy working; she had no other relatives here and she had language barrier. These things didn’t unsettle her in a bit. She was kind, patient and more than anything happy to be babysitting her youngest granddaughter. All the 5 years that she was here I never remember thanking her for giving her time and love exclusively to my daughter and me. After she was gone (not from Mumbai but also from our lives), I spent many nights silently crying for not having told her how proud and grateful I was to have her as my mother.
In life, often we take things and people for granted. We take our parents, our friends, our guardian angels, our spouses, children, education, opportunities etc. for granted. We don’t look at them as our blessings but take it as our rights. We seldom stop to count our blessings and imagine life without them. We run so fast that we never appreciate the present. We value our teachers much after we passed out of school, we are kinder to our kids when its time for them to leave home, we think of our parents a lot more after they are no more and we want to cling on to loved ones only after we feel threatened about the relationship.
I wonder why is that we don’t cherish the things while they still belong? Why is that paranoia the driver most of the time? Is this the basic animal instinct? If so, when would the part of brain that controls this, evolve?
In life, often we take things and people for granted. We take our parents, our friends, our guardian angels, our spouses, children, education, opportunities etc. for granted. We don’t look at them as our blessings but take it as our rights. We seldom stop to count our blessings and imagine life without them. We run so fast that we never appreciate the present. We value our teachers much after we passed out of school, we are kinder to our kids when its time for them to leave home, we think of our parents a lot more after they are no more and we want to cling on to loved ones only after we feel threatened about the relationship.
I wonder why is that we don’t cherish the things while they still belong? Why is that paranoia the driver most of the time? Is this the basic animal instinct? If so, when would the part of brain that controls this, evolve?
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