Resolution - a solution?

Have you observed toddlers who’ve just learnt to walk? Swaying, unsteady, neck breaking speed and completely mindless. I used to know this child from my neighborhood, who would climb on the cot, start walking and continue to walk even after reaching the edge of the cot. A loud thud, one long wail and in ten minutes he was ready to start all over. I am like this in some ways. Just never learn from my experience, mindless and/or blind.

People, I have a problem getting close to people. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not asocial; it’s actually the opposite. When I get close to someone, I take it to a different plane. I live their lives, up in arms to protect, assume emotional responsibility and become more a mother than a friend. Then as it has happened one too many times, people move – move jobs, move city, get married and get busy with their new lives. Internet has shrunk the world, but it’s not the same as meeting that friend at lunch everyday at work or travelling together in train. An email here, a sms there or “oh, that one’s on my facebook” and truck loads of boring forwards. So much for connectivity!

So many friends, several moved on but I haven’t gotten used to handling this situation. I sulk, sulk and sulk till I get sick of myself. I am the kind who felt depressed at the end of school picnic. After all the fun and games, going home without friends was a dreadful thought. Do you know, what I mean?

Ok, that’s me, not very strong when a relationship loses its intensity. But I could certainly keep myself under check and not get too involved with people, right? It amazes me that I haven’t learnt that either. Just like that mindless boy – run, thud, wail….run, thud, wail…. (only that I take much longer to recover).

Someone told me that sulking in public helps one heal quickly; trying that.

Have a super 2010!

Split personality

I realize there are three parts to my conscious being; heart, head and “me”. Head and heart are mostly adversaries and “me” the referee at times. When my heart and head sing the same tune, it’s blissful. Does this ever happen? Oh yeah! Say I have a budget to shop and I mange to play within the budget AND get what I love! Know what I mean? (Yes, yes, typical girly stuff!)

There are times when my heart is like a troublesome kid, kicking and crying (wailing is more like it) for a toy that just isn’t available or affordable. No amount of reasoning or logic is going to help. How about a tight slap? My head takes charge of the situation and does just that. “Me” in me (sorry if that’s a bit convoluted) feels sorry for the heart, but lets the stronger being (of self) prevail for the sake of orderliness.

There are other instances when my head behaves like a strict matron with complete disregard to small, affordable pleas of my heart. Heart makes a sincere attempt to convince my head that it’s ok to be dressed at my best, on a day when a meeting is scheduled with a “cute” customer. If at situations like these, my head gets unduly strong-headed, my cool heart tells my head to take a hike. Life’s got to be fun at times, “me” says!

Most difficult are times when my head and heart are on long, irresolvable war. Both have their arguments and counter-arguments and just not willing to give in. “Me” confused and struggling between a practical head and an emotional heart. Sometimes, this state of my being goes on for days. “Me” is in no superior state to pass a verdict or unable to detach itself and watch the fun from a distance(like in the above instances). Heart and head are fair in their own ways and a resolve is hard to reach. When it gets out of control and ends me in a headache (or heartache), “me” takes charge and shuts one of its two co-beings and puts an end to the conflict to restore peace within.

Am I turning into a schizophrenic?

Travel and life

Just back from a vacation and feeling happy and energized. Exploring new places is invigorating. Getting used to a new lifestyle (albeit temporary), getting around, attitude of locals, eating joints, fitting the best in your itinerary and such, drill my mind. There is always much more to do than I could manage when am visiting a new place. The art of being able to relax and handle the excitement of loads to do all at once is - well, an art.

This yearly event is exciting right from preparation till much after I return. Once I am back, I talk, talk and talk about it as if the person that I am sharing with, is on a journey with me to the place and living my experience. After a few days I don’t talk about it as much, not so much out of my choice but people around me have had an overdose.

For a long time, memories keep coming and going bringing a smile or frown as I mull over my latest sojourn. My struggle with language, a foolish act, that one breathtaking place, the sunset, seashore, steep mountain walk or just a few hours of being myself – these thoughts live with me. As reality and my daily routine take over, these memories seem to tuck themselves away somewhere at the bottom of my memory pile. When I think of a trip that I took in the not-so-recent past, it feels like it was in another life and I was another person.

These getaways teach me deeper meaning of life. Get high with excitement one week and switching back to routine the next - shows the temporariness of most things in life. Ambition, passion, likes, priorities and favorites are constantly changing as I move on in life. I live life every minute yet don’t realize when the process of metamorphosis happens.

During my recent vacation, I visited a friend who has travelled widely. She has put up a world map in her study and stuck tiny round stickers on the places that she has visited. Isn’t it just that - spots? People, places and memories of our lives remain spots – some bright, some fading and a few painful. They are a part of our lives, making us who we are!

Travel is transition but so is life!

Uncertain certainty

I visited a bereaved family last evening. The girls (my good friends) who lost their mother were devastated. I had no words to console them. Their mother is the most innocent woman, I have met; childlike and naïve.

Hale and hearty, had her usual chat with one of her daughters in the morning over phone and in the night she was gone, just like that. No warning, no preparation or no good-byes. The girls (who are all mothers themselves) looked traumatized. It would take a while before they come to terms with their loss.

Death is the only certainty in our lives. But how does one deal with something that’s so sudden? How does one ever get prepared for this last milestone when the timing is so uncertain? Is this the last lesson that our mothers give us - to be independent, strong and be brave grown ups that we could make do without our parent? I guess that’s the saddest part of growing up.

Let’s love them and more importantly express it, while we still have them.

May the departed soul rest in peace!

Joy is back

…and how! I fell out of my gymming routine when my daughter moved to a new school where her reporting time is 6.45am. Going to Gym at 7, ensuring a meaningful workout and trying to get to work on time became a bit of a pain. It’s been a year and half since I have reconciled to the fact that morning walk is the only form of exercise that I could offer my body. But then, one doesn’t take things seriously that cost nothing.

While I was convincing myself that I was doing that best I could in the time available, I was missing my personal trainer Joy, who used to beat the hell out of me. I guess personal trainers are a unique species who get paid to get (some real, physical) work done from their employers. To cut the long story short, effective today he has resumed training me that too in my drawing room. Muscle ache is back and some ligaments are threatening to tear but it feels good!

Happy 2009, et al...

First of all, wish you all a fantastic 2009! In terms of expectation vs. actual, 2009 will turn out to be a great year, is my theory. For this to work, please continue to keep your expectations muted.

Yesterday was Niyoshi's birthday. Can't believe she is stepping into her teens. I am both amused and nervous about this whole phase of life that is just unfolding. Hopefully I would be an empathetic and sensible mother.

Times of India Lakshminarayana Global Musical festival, annual musical concert of Dr.L.subramaniam (violin maestro), was a treat to watch at NCPA. Wife Kavita Krishnamurti and children Ambi and Bindu added soul to the rendition. However, the whole concert reached a high with Leipzig philharmonic orchestra.

I bought a Wii for daughter recently. This is a technological advancement that promotes physical activity. It's extremely addictive and a great stress buster. I played tennis till my shoulders hurt. Am lovin' it!