T M Krishna

தழய தழய கட்டிய எட்டு முழ வேட்டியில் கை அகல அரக்கு கறை, கோபுர பார்டர் சகிதம், நிமிர்ந்த நடை, தீவிர (intense) நோக்கு... அட அட அட....
(I couldn’t have described that in any other language)

TM Krishna is a name that’s synonymous with maverick. He is a non-conformist and taken his music from sabahs to street corners and kuppams (slums). There is ease in everything that he does - his music, losing himself in the magic that his accompanists dole out, standing up for what he believes in - the list goes on.

I have been reading his views on varied subjects and listening to his songs on YouTube for many years now and been a huge fan. This morning, I attended his concert and am still on a musical high. When he sings, he has a subtle arrogance (not indifference, mind you) that comes not just from being extraordinaire, but from being “the man” with his revolutionary thinking and backing it up with action and his words - oh so powerful words! (You almost want to tell him that the subtle arrogance looks so good on him).

He is one of the few musicians who brought Tamil compositions to the forefront. It’s only fitting that he started today’s concert with a Nammalwar pasuram and seamlessly moved on to Thyagarajar keerthani (both in same raga), Dikshitar composition in mayamalavagowlai, a tillana, soulful Kannada song composed by Basavaiah and was rounding it off with an abhang (Marathi land after all!). He got a Standing ovation of course, but people just stood there, frozen, unwilling to accept that the afternoon is at its end. Deepa Devaraj said, “but we don’t want to go” and I sheepishly added, “could we have one more please” - musicians were already packing their instruments, but TMK obliged and indulged us with a Tulsidas Bhajan. What a morning it was!

He would have made a great dancer too - catching a note from here, plucking another one from up above, flying a kite, or shifting gears, and using his long fingers to orchestrate - his fluid movements were as delightful as his music. When an artist of his stature enjoys his performance, resultant is an enthralled audience. His brilliance was so palpable and was shining bright all through 150 minutes. There wasn’t a dull moment.

His carefully selected crew was excellent. The instruments (mridangam, kajira and violin) came alive at their touch and TMK let them weave magic, encouraging them with his shabashes and bhales quite generously but deservedly. There comes a point (rather early in the concert, almost as soon as he is satisfied with acoustics) after which TMK has eyes only for his accompanists. You almost feel like an outsider, if you know what I mean. But that’s just an aside.

Despite the fact that he is neither a purist nor traditionalist, he still gives a sabah goer what he or she is looking for. He is a Carnatic musician at heart and thank God for that. And even more gratitude for taking his music to a different plane and making it accessible to everyone - புறம்போக்கு பாடல்கள் for பாமர மக்கள்.

TMK’s thought leadership is a different subject altogether and that’s for another post. For now, his music is ringing in my ears across ragas and his very animated performance fills my being.

Thank you, #TMKrishna

(TM Krishna for Crossroads at Balagandharva Ranga Mandir, Bandra West on Nov 25, 2018)

women like attention; serve men some solitude, maybe?

A friend of many years sent me a meme last week, which read, “to make a woman happy give her these three things, attention, affection and appreciation” and asked me what I thought of it.  I didn’t respond to him immediately as I didn’t have the emotional space to think about it, then.

Now I am wondering aloud – isn’t this something everyone likes?  Attention, affection and appreciation – don’t men feel nice receiving these? I have never been a man, so I don’t know how exactly a guy feels when he receives a compliment on his tie or on being congratulated on a task well done or on being asked out for coffee (I imagine most guys would do a headstand! No, I am not being arrogant, here).

The problem, like in most gender issues, is one of stereotyping.  “Women like flowers”, yes we do.  Have you tried giving a bunch of flowers to a man? Have you even asked a man if he likes receiving flowers? I have a guy friend who will forgive me all my faults if I bought him dark chocolates. Go figure!  I have known men to like flowers, gifts, compliments and attention – attention with a capital A and capital everything that follows. And I see nothing wrong with that. 

The one difference from my own behavioural pattern and my observation of others is, (most) women need validation (and attention and all that faff) from their significant ones. This is not a need that dies down with time or familiarity. In fact, the more we get it, the more we want it; whereas with men, (and like most things with men) beyond a point, these validations have very little effect on them (or so it’s shown).  Read validation from the “same” person; also please note bosses are exceptions -even if they have had the “same” one for 15 years.

On a more serious note, generations of conditioning may have turned women into insecure beings – gender hierarchies, stereotyping, inequalities that still exist – have a deep-rooted effect on women’s psyche. Their need for recognition and expression is more pronounced, though the innate need is as prevalent in men.  Add to it the burden to appear macho - conditioning that men have received over generations, you get a very confused and complex creature called a man.

So my dear friend, women love all the three “A”s, we also like conversations, occasional solitude and men who are articulate.

p.s: Today is International Men’s Day – to raise awareness about men’s mental health. Here’s to you, gentlemen!
It’s time you guys find the male equivalent of feminism if that means tapping the feminine side of you. It would truly be an equal world!

24 and counting...

We have just arrived in Vienna and it’s our anniversary. Soft music playing in the background that I chose (note that “I”), on YouTube, as I am ironing my saree, preparing for a nice anniversary dinner…

“I have never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

I have never seen you shine so bright

I have never seen so many men ask if you wanted to dance

They’re looking for a little romance, given half  a chance”

I am heady and feeling special imagining myself to be the lady in red.  It’s Vienna (again!) - city of music and I am feeling all musical and romantic (duh!).  Next YouTube doles out Rod Stewart's "Have I told you lately"

Out comes the husband showered and almost appropriately dressed for the anniversary dinner. I am in a beige linen saree and ebbing with confidence and love (in that order!); daughter is looking on like I am a creature from another planet. I walk up to my husband of 24 years, all prepared for a slow dance for Rod Stewart’s romantic number.  He looks at me like I have lost it and asks me if I want another Vodka shot. Whatever happened to romance, people? I threaten him that I will write about my loveless life. Isn’t he the brave heart? Just didn’t budge. Daughter looks vindicated! They sure are a team. I settle for the vodka shot.

We follow our host’s advice and a walk a few blocks to the cobblestoned street and pick a restaurant called Porzellan. It’s a lovely place serving Austrian and Italian cuisine. Husband orders a beer (men!) and I order sparkling white for my daughter and self and tell Marcus to suggest something that’s palatable to the vegetarian us! The striking young man (originally from Linz) says, “I will bring you two dishes of my choice, is that alright?” Me, the reject (remember the dance episode!?), hurt but not retired, smiles and says, “go on and surprise me!”

While I was getting drunk on the bubbly, Marcus brings the most delicious Georgian & herbs – that consists eggplant and crispy falafel AND homemade ravioli. Eggplant is my absolute favourite, ravioli, my daughter’s and husband happily drunk on local beer.  When Marcus smiled his most adorable smile and served us food, I thought to myself  “God exists for sure and sometimes he could be the eggplant on your plate or Marcus who serves it.  Life is good and eggplant is great! I am ready for the next 24; bring it on"

Happy Anniversary!

I am a woman with a poor sense of humour...

I am privileged to be part of a few male-dominated WhatsApp groups.  Not just any group, mind you! These are groups of serious knowledge bank and money machines (me? Theory of exception should explain!).  In the middle of all the money and knowledge discussion, arrives a meme, which shows woman in poor light.  Nagging wife, girlfriend who is a drain on a man’s money, bad driver, vain and so on and so forth.

Now we all know that both men and women have their faults? Could you tell me how many memes or messages that you see in the social media that show a man in poor light? I would say 1:50 (was going to say 1:100). Now me being-the-bull-in-a-China-shop me, won’t let it slip in the barrage of “meaningful” messages, and raise an objection. And when I do that, I am told that I lack sense of humour, that I have forgotten how to laugh and too uptight.

If you are in my circle and/or reading this, I don’t need to remind you history and reality.  Women had to fight for education, employment, voting rights, opinion and oh, even for an honourable existence. The reality remains that a girl child is fighting inequality even before she is born.  If she is ever born, has to deal with molestation, eve-teasing, objectifying, inequality at work place both in terms of pay and growth opportunity.  “Just married yaar, can’t hire / promote – may soon be in her family way” – sounds familiar? Inclusive much? We also have to deal with what nature and centuries of conditioning have bestowed on us- mother, nurturer, natural caregivers (no less!) and in newer terminology – homemaker.

Whether the laundry gets done daily or thrice a week to Can peanut butter sandwich pass of as a healthy snack for your toddler to Whether to cut wages of an irregular house help or indulge, for you need her to Explaining to the husband (for the 100^th time) a hand towel, dishtowel and a swab have different purposes in the kitchen - she does more than her fair share. At home, she is both the traffic cop and a school bus driver – at the same time.

Most men (be it father, brother or husband) think a woman has a lot on her plate (not more than him though, mind you!) and it’s best she remains happy where she is and with what she is good at.  Women break the first glass ceiling at home and get out and pursue what they want to.  Most women take this up as an additional challenge and responsibility and don’t shirk their “homely” duties.

Now that I, as a woman managed to get into a man’s (working) world and crept into “professional” groups, I should learn to guffaw at discriminating jokes – even if the joke is on me? Is that what you are saying, my male friend? Now you want to induct me into your “locker-room”? If I insist I will retain my feminism along with the equality I earned, I am told that after all the opportunities that I have been “given” I still am defensive; that feminism is a fad and over-rated and ugly.

When I object to jokes that border on sexism and gender stereotype, I get questioned.  I am sharing some of the oft-asked questions and my answers:

1. Where is your sense of humour? I am saving it for a joke. I am not about to giggle if you objectify my clan and calling it a joke doesn’t make sexism more acceptable
2. Did I create that meme? I say, then why perpetuate it?
3. Why are you so defensive? Are you a victim of sexism? I say, yes and no. I am married to a man who respects and loves me in equal measure but the society has gender issues that affect me and we (you and I) need to fight it
4. I am a decent man. I respect women. How could you call me a sexist? I know you are a decent man; otherwise I wont have a conversation with you. However your sense of superiority and the need to throw your masculinity at me amount to sexism. If you don’t fight sexism and objectification, then too you’re a sexist, even if a passive one. I am sorry, my friend, that’s just how it is!
5. Aren’t there jokes on Sardars?  I ask, did I say racism is better than sexism? 

We need feminism. Women have to fight tough battles – may not be the women in your lives but there are millions out there who are fighting for a mere peaceful and dignified existence (equality comes much later). Feminism is the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of equality of sexes (dictionary meaning) and we are far from equal. Don’t look at the privileged class – then my feminism may look misplaced. Look at society at large.

My dear man friends, don’t make this struggle, this battle more difficult than it already is! Most of all, please don’t laugh at it…

Thank you, gentlemen!

Shakti is mythological representation of woman. Shakti also means strength. Women have always been strong, resilient, nurturers, influencers, change agents so on and so forth.  My mother (she would be 84 if she was alive) who was financially completely dependent on my father (and before him, her father) was a strong woman.  She knew her roles and responsibilities well but she also ensured the rest of us took ours seriously.  She was fun but she couldn’t be fooled around with.  She was epitome of kindness but also a force to reckon with. My father, who appeared patriarchal went to her for opinion and advise regularly.  If you looked at them, you would never have guessed that. My point is, women have always been the significant half in their homes and in a way in this world too.

What we (women) want today though is to make this significance more obvious, to gain more freedom, voice and in some cases to be wearing pants.  The way we dress, talk, carry ourselves and assert our rights (rightly so) have changed and changed significantly.  Feminism is the new buzzword.  This metamorphosis is exhilarating and beautiful for us – we look at ourselves in the mirror swelling with pride, the glorious butterflies that we turned into.

For a man though, this is too much too soon.  Alpha women are all too ambitious bordering on aggression; they have their money, jobs, travel and social life (that doesn’t always include her man).  If I were a man, I will suck at coping with this change and its pace.  I see my man and many men around me not just coping with it, but encouraging and facilitating this change.  And you need that man, to love you, cheer you and celebrate your success. As someone beautifully put it, “Feminism is not biological; it is an ideology”. If it took a Katherine to fight gender and race issues, it also needed a Harrison to give her a hand (watch Hidden Figures).

While we haven’t conquered larger issues - sexual harassment, archaic patriarchal norms, female foeticide and such, today let’s focus on men who value and respect women. Today let’s celebrate womanhood and men who make this journey of evolution beautiful.

Here’s to you guys who adopt our madness with gusto!

Pause! I am perimenopausing

Two months ago, my daughter’s friend turned 18.  His mother had posted a collage of pictures of his on FB, since his birth  - all happy, growing up pictures.  I have known this boy for the last two years and I am fond of him.  But crying looking at these pictures – blah?

Between wanting to bite off people’s head to being extremely vulnerable – my mood swings wildly, is putting it mildly! No marks for guessing that I am perimenopausal (PM). What a sneak attack in our youth obsessed culture!  Boo hoo!! People don’t talk about it, it's almost like the last taboo in a woman’s life. It is not just me saying it.

My gynec threw me out of her office (ever so gently) asking me to come back if I am bleeding to death or equivalent.  My mother never warned me and I never saw her hyperventilating in her 40s.  My husband exasperatedly tells me (well almost) that I am overdoing the PM bit.  My teenage daughter is busy dealing with her own design issues currently.  My younger female friends don’t want to talk about it (as if it is a disease that they would contract just by talking about it), my older friends and sisters think that I kick up a fuss (whoever said public memory is short, is a genius) and friends of my age tell me to go to hell, while they are dealing with their own miseries. I feel friendless and abandoned – there, you see!

On a more serious note, I tried explaining how wretched I feel some days, to a friend who has a doctorate in Psychology.  She seemed to believe that it is all in our heads.  She went on to add, if a woman felt depressed when she were 30, she couldn’t blame it on PM; deal with it the same way today. Duh! What appalled me even more is her opinion that PM doesn't touch a career woman. I don't understand why?

PM is real and it drives me crazy.  I feel like doing nothing for days on and some days I want to turn the house upside down. I over share on social network and alternate between being too clingy and aloof.  Weep over a little something and sulk for no reason.  I am on an eat-right drive for 3 days but kill that with a chocolate drive for the next three weeks! I go crazy if the kitchen is not in order, get crazier while the kitchen is being put in order - the clank of utensils and clanging of cutlery and crockery, that seems about enough to burst the blood vessels in my brain. Some days I am chasing business like my life depended on it and on others, I find business calls and meetings tedious. Insomnic too and books are not as comforting any more. 

Menopause is not just a happy ending of menstruation cycle, stomach cramps, back aches, PMS and trips to chemist to buy sanitary pads and tampons.  Menopause is preceded by perimenopausal stage, which can be stressful and depressing for women. There is enough and more to read and know about it in the www world.  So I am not about to belabour. 

What would certainly help the situation is an understanding and sensitive partner. A partner married to / living with a perimenopausal woman, unfortunately is also on a roller-coaster of emotions whether he likes it or not.  While you are on a rough ride Mister, remember, there are no ready reckoners or life saving manuals.  I am giving away a few unsolicited pointers, which MAY work as effective shock absorbers ; but hey, nothing is being guaranteed here.  

·        Don’t pretend you understand PM distresses.  Go read and get some hormone enlightenment!

·        Don’t tell your PM wife / partner to calm down – she wishes she could, believe me, you!

·       You find her overreacting and OCD traits heightened. If you want to help, don’t put her in a situation.  Don’t spill your drink or drop your glass or be too glued to your smart phone and START being attentive

·        Don’t crowd her, neglect her neither – Goldilocks treatment, if you know what I mean!

·        Do not intrude in her turf – now more than ever! She is vulnerable as hell; she would either suffer more self-esteem issues or kill you for interfering.  You don’t want to deal with either

·        While every woman suffers PM, at one level, your own insensitivities have come to bite your backside.  Learning the hard way? Pushed to a corner to learn to be sensitive and receptive to your lady? I agree I sound like a feminist; but you sure know there is truth in it! So, learn to pamper her for a few years, even if it is mildly exhausting.

·        You have no uterus, so your opinion is not from personal experience.  Just trust her.

So long!

Happy to be

I have been too busy living to write; living as in trying, demanding, cribbing, working, chasing, negotiating, differing, postponing and such. As this year draws to a close, thought it is time to do some counting too. Here’s an account of 2011’s blessings:

1. Daughter is growing up to be a sensible teenager; something that I have always wished for. I am blessed to be spending more time with her and we enjoy each other's company more than ever.
2. Family and friends are in tact, a year wiser and closer.
3. In the multiple hospitalizations that my mother-in-law underwent, she came home walking each time.
4. Travel, my passion, has been possible yet again. As always, loved the feeling - liberated, blissful and togetherness!
5. House lease got renewed and we continue to live in a place that we love.
6. Few pounds heavier now than at the start of the year. Any gain (in today’s world) is a happy feeling. But what makes me even happier is how I wear them proudly without complaining.
7. POIESIS is born and growing - and boy, am I glad?
8. Dad was strong, loving and healthy till his end. Blessed to be my parents’ child.
9. Strength that I gained at the end of a frighteningly rocky year – both professionally and personally.
10. I am truly inspired to live, stronger and immensely happy to “be”.

and still counting….

I am ecstatic for some of my loved ones - Pradeep, Karthik, Gita, Neha, Ramya, Krithu, Arvind and Ayushee. They have found new love and more meaning to life making "Collective Happiness Quotient" soar constantly.

Thank you God, I am grateful for life.

Wishing you a blessed 2012!